I Love My Baby

32 Days Until Wisteria

Bad Day Burned Away

I was having a rough day turning into a bad day when I got an email saying that True Blood season 4 that was on reserve for me was ready for pick up from the library. Yay!

So come here, got online and plugged in some Pandora. Thank gods for music. Always helps my mood.

Online I found Fire Time (A Journey in 2000fps). I cried from the beauty of it. My bad day was burned away. Thank you Chris Bolton for sharing your talent and art. Thank you Bhak Jolicouer, Geordie Rawsthorne, and Jonathan Kassian for sharing your art and craft.

 Fire Time

Fuck you

Pissed off.

Angry.

What right do you have to lecture me on how I should be?

What great knowledge have you gained in the past year that makes you an authority to council me on what I should and should not do?

Partnership? What fucking partnership do you think exists here? What do you do except serve yourself? What do you do to help except for lecture me when I make a mistake?

You know how to read people? Really? Because if you think you can read me you must be illiterate, reading in a different language or just don't give a shit. You have no timing, no tact, no compassion.

You don't know me after all this time.

Fuck

You

Meat is not good for me

So last week was a horrible week for me. (see Previous Post) It was a rollercoaster. Now I like rollercoasters but this was not the type I like to be on. Physically I felt like crap. I ached all over. It felt like pain was in every joint and muscle.  I was tense in my shoulders, back (upper and lower) legs, ok, just say everywhere.  Emotionally I was all over. I felt stress all the way out to the ends of my hair! I snapped quickly. I felt depressed and sad and disconnected and depressed and miserable and unhappy and did I mention depressed? Friday night I had a break down and complained about all sorts of things that seemed so big in that moment. I am sad to admit I became the crying whiner I detest in others. Spiritually I felt disconnected and lost.

And then it hit me.

Last week my clients insisted I have lunch with them! Hamburgers, ham sandwich, etc. It was the meat!

Since I turned vegetarian nearly 5 months ago (has it been that long???!!) my ability to handle stress and the chaos that is my life has improved tenfold. All that went out the window with one week of being unable to say no and stick to my boundries.

It has also made me look at when and what I am eating and how I am living. I am not liking what I see. I rarely look in the mirror at all unless I have to. This...this is a problem. So now what do I do about it?

WWRD?

Diswisterealiasis

The past few days have exposed me raw with no outside catalyst. I have felt, for no apparent reason, disappointed, empty, painfully filled with grief, hollow, and generally filled with sorrow and shadow. Perhaps it is the recent past catching up to me. Perhaps it is my own disapproval over how my life is going in no direction, but become stagnant and currantless. Maybe it is Wisteria Withdrawl. I will call it diswisterealiasis regardless.

Today I found my chest heaving and tears rolling slowly down my reddened cheeks after work for no reason at all. There was just the emense overwhelming moment of grief and true sorrow. I don't know where it comes from though.

I have found that I am also drawn to music of Owain Phyfe, Dead Can Dance, Enya, Loreena McKinnet, etc. Movies too. Sad, dramatic, lovestories are my bain. Makes me long for what I don't have. It makes me keep pushing back the insistant questions, "Do you know what true love is?" The comment that has also popped into my head lately is "Love isn't enough. Especially when it is onesided."

Anyone who knows me knows that I am connected to fire by more than just my hair color and temperment. Fire calls to me in many forms: cooking, bonfires, fire performing, etc. To me fire is sacred.

There are many many types of fire. There are fires of the hearth that keep our homes warm and our bellies fed. There is the bonfire that keeps us warm and safe outside and/or calls for the community to gather together. Fire is cleansing, burning away debris that may not be needed both physically and spiritually. Fire can be the gateway into something deep within ourselves or to another world/time completely. In a way every fire that has ever been is connected to every other fire that has been or is now. Fire is within and without.

For a long time I have been silently on the outskirts of the Sacred Fire Community. This fire is the bonfire that calls our community together to listen to stories and to share of ourselves and our traditions.

From their website, their mission statement:

"The purpose of Sacred Fire Foundation is to restore balance by igniting a heart-centered way to relate to each other, our communities and the world around us.

We serve as a doorway through which people can discover the sacred, interconnected nature of life, a perspective held by indigenous peoples and spiritual traditions everywhere. "

This has always called to me. Their mission and their purpose is very much needed and I personally feel like I'm standing on the threshold of this sacred connection. It is very much like standing in the doorway as the breeze comes soaring in carrying the scent of otherworldly life outside the safe confines of home. Standing in that doorway doesn't take me out into that life outside though. I can see it and smell it and almost touch it but that doesn't make me a part of it. And I so much want to be a part of it.

There have been several years that I have longed wistfully to go to Ancient Wisdom Rising.

" Through the wisdom of the earliest traditions, Ancient Wisdom Rising can introduce you to this way of being."

So this year I decided to take a step and sent them an email that asked if they have a work/attendance opportunity. I don't know how it will end up but at least I am taking that step to expand my spirituality. To be able to learn from all these Elders is an opportunity I can not resist any more. I want to be fully engaged in what they are doing and to learn more about my own spirit through the ancient ways.

I feel the call of Fire and must follow it

Entanglements

Everywhere spiders and their webs have been making their presence known. They are in my home. They are prevalant in my work. I see their threads swaying and floating in corners and in leaves. Sometime I wonder if they follow me. They all seem to be connected, their webs. And ours.

Entanglements

We the People....?

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security"

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I feel that elected officials give up the right to push their own agendas when they choose get into office. They are there to represent the people of their area, to be OUR voice in the running of OUR country, by OUR consent to be governed. That means they represent ALL the people in that area, not just those opinions and agendas they personally agree with: male, female, both, married, single, divorced, widowed, veteran, civilian, republican, democratic, liberal, communist, black, white, latin, arabic, african, heterosexual, homosexual, metrosexual, bisexual, with children, without children, Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Pagan, Jedi, etc. When and how is there to be equal representation when politicians keep getting elected that run their own person agendas?

"mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed"

When do the evils become unsufferable before things are changed?

Or has society become to apathetic to do anything about it?

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!

by Edward Markham

Return from the ashes

I have spent the past several years away from blogging and away from myself. Lots and lots have happened. I don't want to use this time and space to go backwards. I want to move forward. As I do past events may come up that I will discuss and they may be joyful or they may be heartwrenching. No one reads these pages so I feel very unecombered. For now...lol. I will be trying to post from my smartphone as well. We'll see how that goes.

I have spent the past hour updating my other pages' appearences. More content will be added to those pages as well. I feel bittersweet about it all as I read what I once had written.

Yes. Much has changed.