What is the expression, you teach best what you need to learn the most? It does seem very true.
The past year I have accepted that I haven't listened to my body the way I tell others they need to. It resulted in a hysterectomy and lots of trips to the VA. And now, nearly a year later, I still have: a large cyst on my ovary that was not there during the surgery, experienced the joys of passing a kidney stone and the consequences of having a small jagged object force its way through tender pathways of the urinary tract, having my iron, vit. B and D levels excessively low, diagnosed with arthritis of my neck and shoulders and the doctor insisting that I please talk to one of the specialist/therapists.
Insert deadpan stare followed by a deep sigh.
It seems the work I have been doing this past year on healing my internal regrets, anger, and issues has just been sweeping away the surface debris so that the bigger issues at hand could come to surface. You know, the ones that everyone else can see but you refuse to acknowledge yourself. I really hate when I am forced to look in a mirror and confess that I have choosen the "can't see the forest for the trees" approach.
I have been diagnosed with MST/PTSD.
And the start of my internal 3 year old brat's rant: I don't want to admit to anything. I don't want to have this. I don't want this!! I am a strong woman who can handle anything and who has proven exactly that. I know the reasons behind what happened. I have dealt with it and moved it. It has nothing to do with the problems I am having with mood swings and diversionary things I do now. It has nothing to do with my difficulties in body image and self care. It isn't the cause of my conflicts and difficulties in relationships, romantic or friendship. I don't have to remember or think about it let alone talk about it. I can't. I don't want to.
That is an example of the tidal wave of internal dialog that goes on within my little head. It really tries to surpress the heartvoice that is hurting and says "yes, I need this, please".
Randomness: Sitting at work with a tele on just sitting here and it is showing sinus tachy. And there is no significant changes during high stress response moments.
Want to go to sleep now. 12 hour shifts with only 3 hours sleep makes for a loopy Shannon.
The past year I have accepted that I haven't listened to my body the way I tell others they need to. It resulted in a hysterectomy and lots of trips to the VA. And now, nearly a year later, I still have: a large cyst on my ovary that was not there during the surgery, experienced the joys of passing a kidney stone and the consequences of having a small jagged object force its way through tender pathways of the urinary tract, having my iron, vit. B and D levels excessively low, diagnosed with arthritis of my neck and shoulders and the doctor insisting that I please talk to one of the specialist/therapists.
Insert deadpan stare followed by a deep sigh.
It seems the work I have been doing this past year on healing my internal regrets, anger, and issues has just been sweeping away the surface debris so that the bigger issues at hand could come to surface. You know, the ones that everyone else can see but you refuse to acknowledge yourself. I really hate when I am forced to look in a mirror and confess that I have choosen the "can't see the forest for the trees" approach.
I have been diagnosed with MST/PTSD.
And the start of my internal 3 year old brat's rant: I don't want to admit to anything. I don't want to have this. I don't want this!! I am a strong woman who can handle anything and who has proven exactly that. I know the reasons behind what happened. I have dealt with it and moved it. It has nothing to do with the problems I am having with mood swings and diversionary things I do now. It has nothing to do with my difficulties in body image and self care. It isn't the cause of my conflicts and difficulties in relationships, romantic or friendship. I don't have to remember or think about it let alone talk about it. I can't. I don't want to.
That is an example of the tidal wave of internal dialog that goes on within my little head. It really tries to surpress the heartvoice that is hurting and says "yes, I need this, please".
Randomness: Sitting at work with a tele on just sitting here and it is showing sinus tachy. And there is no significant changes during high stress response moments.
Want to go to sleep now. 12 hour shifts with only 3 hours sleep makes for a loopy Shannon.
