Stolen from Sara B's Facebook Blog

A post of hers that causes some introspection and some thoughts about my past and future relationships (thoughts to follow in future post):

Theories on Love, Change, and Being Human.

I started a rant on ______'s page because she got hurt. It got really long, so I thought I'd better transfer it to a note. Herein lie SaraB's entirely unsupported (possibly totally ridiculous) theories on love, change, and being human.

Firstly, it's my opinion that humans are not meant to be monogomous. I feel it's the teaching of society, religion, and our human fixation with security that make us so. Perhaps our willingness to "settle" with someone just so we don't have to go out and try to find another someone all over again. On a primal level, I think we're looking for the perfect mate to get some kids, or raise kids from a previous mate, or provide a roof over our heads, or to love us...or maybe just a night of hot release.

It's my thought that our partners need not be the same person for years day in, day out. Our closest relatives on the evolutionary chain certainly don't cleave to one person their whole lives; and their lives are quite a bit shorter than ours. We're animals, after all, and there's nothing wrong in admitting that. We do the same things all the animals do, and yet complicate everything a hundred times more. A lot of the complexities are simply unnecessary.

I believe that one of the more common sources of tension in a relationship is the expectations one partner holds for the other, and vice verse. If expectations are held by one partner for the other partner, there is an assumption that the other partner wants to fulfill those expectations as a result of the love they share. If the expectation is >not< fulfilled, does that mean that the love is somehow less? I submit that it is not less. It is simply not in the nature of that person to fulfill that particular expectation at that time.

Looking back on a 10+ year relationship, which ended in devastation, I learned lessons against fundamental change. You can't change yourself for another person, if you don't want to change. It's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking for the sake of her husband. In the end, she'll go back to drinking because the change is not about her.

The theory is, you are the most important person in your world. If you want it, you will make it happen. If someone else wants it, and expects you to do it, because you love them; you should want what they want... That is the relationship-killer. Even should the choice arise between losing your partner or changing, there will always be that memory of making the choice between what you lost, and the one you love. It puts pressure on that relationship, and the result is an ugly resentment.

You must want change for you, in order to make it happen.

The love you offer your partner is a gift. It's a piece of you, a deeply personal thing, a divinity shared between two people, no matter how much of a relationship it is. When you go out even one night and make a connection with someone, you've offered them something of yourself that you've chosen specifically for THAT person. That's awesome, and special. Unique and uncomplicated.

Likewise, what your partner offers you is the very same gift. Something of themselves. Unique and precious because it is tailored to you. It's as much as they can give at that moment, in this space. To ask them for more of themselves than they are willing to part with is to ask them for change.

Your partner must want change for themselves before you can expect them to make that change. Until then, you cannot expect more from them than what they offer you.

DO NOT feel less perfect if another chooses not to accept your gifts. Their choices are not about you. You are beautiful and special, there are tons of people who agree; loving you for who you are, rather than how much of yourself you give to them. Throw yourself out there and give freely. You'll get it all back, from a hundred different sources of love and support, no matter how many partners come and go. That's the beauty of life; making the connections.

Hafiz - Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice,
some nights,
He would just drag you around the room by your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,
Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear
He is in such a "playful drunken mood"
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.

Shadowed

Normally my season is fall. The leaves, the harvest, the smell of the earth, the quieting that allows my spirit to slowly slip into the shadows of Samhain.  This year it feels different. Already I hear the whispers of the Shadows calling to me.

The cardinals and song birds that normally greet me in the morning and move into my back yard are replaced by big black cawwing birds.  Everywhere I go they are there in small ways. Shadowing me.

Tomorrow night is the new moon. Another shadow. I am not sure what I'll do for the Esbat. I am feeling a bit worn down so might take the childthing into the woods with me. Or see if someone can watch her so I can do a little something for myself.

I have some inner conflicts going on.  One is there is a gentleman whom I care about who has managed to irritate a trigger of mine.  A while back he made a comment about wondering why there weren't any middle-aged pagan women who were sexy.  My first gut reaction was to be insulted and call him out as a hypocrite.  He has these triggers about people automatically judging him (or anyone really) because he (they) is (are) ___. But I didn't and I haven't.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately though.

What is the difference between sexy and sexually appealing? Is there one? Or is it all a matter of perspective and preference? 

Personally I believe myself to be a sexy pagan woman.  I have curves and a spirit and....etc.  But he, obviously, doesn't find me sexually appealing.  Does that make me any less sexy?  He did say that if I had the body of ____ he'd be all over me. hmm. 

So how do I tell someone I care about that I find his continual remarks insulting without him taking it personally?  I'm sure I'll find a way.

Another is that I've made an instictually decision to move next summer.  Last year I had planned to move to KC but that didn't pan out as I wished to avoid drama more than move there.  And I'm not sure I'd be happy there.  All my life I have moved. I love to go new places.  But I now see the wisdom in putting down roots for the sake of my spirit and that of my child's.  This isn't the place though. Ohio isn't home. It doesn't feel like HOME. I am itchy to shed this place. I've learned a lot. I guess my last lesson is patience.  I feel a call to Oregon.  The pictures of the land, the trees, the ocean, the mountain. It calls to my elemental spirit.  It is all there. I've heard it called the land of the Goddess before.  From talking to the others who live there it is indeed that. I am just so frustrated I can just go NOW. I need to plan and prepare. I need to fulfill my obligations here. Impatient and eager.


Sex is another frustrating topic.  For my spirit's sake I have decided to wait until I am in a committed relationship, where it will mean something. But my very insistant Freya side is screaming at me. I crave touch and closeness and release WITH someone. But I want it with the right person.  And right now that isn't possible. The coals are burning white hot and will just have to keep it that way for a while. 


Health is...complicated.  Trying to work out through the aches of this complication is sometimes mind numbing.  I'm just so tired of being constantly in pain and aching and tiring so easiily.  But I need to keep it up so I don't add diabetes and other complications to my list.


So I push through. I smile and find the best and move through. I find something to laugh at (usually myself) and keep going.  I love my life too much to do otherwise, despite the trials. Or maybe it is because of them.


That is what we women of the Gods do, after all.

I went to a wedding this weekend; a handfasting of sorts.  For the second time this year I went t a wedding I was not a part of.  Weddings in which I hardly knew anyone else that was there.  The first I ended up making very good friends with others who were there.  The second wedding was harder for me.  It made me think quite a bit. It made me acknowledge emotions I had pushed away even more.

I watched some of my friends dance. I watched as the couple, whom have been together nine years, said their vows, took their first dance, and were just with each other in the most simple and intimate of ways.  The way both couples talked, and walked and looked at each other was something I realize I have never experienced.  It makes me wonder if I have every truly loved. I know I am capable of love, but begin to doubt I have ever shared it in all reality.

I know how to live with someone. I know how to care for and do for someone. I don’t do so well being on the receiving end though I know there are times I wish there was someone to help take care of me and the small things that make up life, like laundry and dishes.  Lately more than anything else is the longing for someone just to talk to in those hours after Taylor has gone to bed. Someone to see my aches and pains and just wrap their arms around me, knowing they can’t take them away but wish to. That is more than just living with someone.  I feel…..I don’t know. 

I guess that is the biggest part of it right there.  I am feeling again.  But it isn’t just a few specific emotions. It is all of them.  I’m not pretending, not going through the motions, not letting them skim the top before shoving them away.  I know I long for what I saw my friends have.  But I also know that I am feeling the Shadows too.  Lately the thought of Crossing has been shifting through my unconscious.  I know I would never willingly nor deliberately do anything to cause it. I don’t know why those thoughts are there. At first I was scared of them, now they are a curiosity. I just don’t know why I am having them. There are times though when they are very upsetting. 

I have dreams. I have hopes. But the more time goes on the more opportunities doubt takes to slip in.

Guess it is a good thing I’m stubborn.

 

Lol…All Over Me by Drowning Pool just came on.  I guess change is coming.