One can only laugh at my life. It is a comedy. Good thing the person who laughs at me the most is myself.
So at some point of the day on Sunday - maybe even Saturday night - my refridgerator died. I didn't realize it until Sunday night at 9 pm. They don't know why it just stopped working. "It's like it isn't getting any power".
All week long I have been draining my cell phone battery in the span of an hour just by carrying it with me.
A total of 7 bulbs have blown or gone out while I was around.
My computer spontaniously turns off and on as well as the tv.
It all culinated on Thursday night though. I picked up five extra hours on the dementia ward at Otterbein. I really think that being around people who are on the edge of crossing over brings out some of my - shall we say - gifts. On the way home at 9 pm the thunderstorm hit. Lightning was striking the fields around my route to pick up The Princess. My window refuse to roll up and one windshield wiper stopped working. When the light on my dashboard went out I started yelling at Loki. Unknown to me, my phone was randomly calling people and leaving messages...of me ranting at Loki.
o_O
I was finally able to get T and get home safely in the rain. I took a seasalt bath and ate a good meal. So far no more strange anomalies.
Tuesday my brother came home from his trip. I didn't realize how much I missed him. We went out to dinner at a wonderful mexican place (finally!! a place with REAL mexican food and not just texmex!!) with Mom. Afterwards, my brother, T, and I went to see Star Trek. Not a bad movie. My brother and I had a pretty good talk. He's not The Boy anymore *sigh*.
Wednesday The Princess started back to school. She loves it and is excited. We'll see how long it lasts. I am presented a problem with her currently walking home after school. It isn't so much her walking home, we live just around the corner of the school. It is someone else in the neighborhood that my issue is with. I'm not sure how to handle it. We'll see.
Tonight I am working an event at church. Other than that it is time for laundry and dishes and cleaning T's room *cringe*. I am tempted on scratching that and just going to the woods and pool since the sun is out.
mmmm....wooooooods..........
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
A challenge in acceptance
Last week I met a young man in Subway while we had dinner. He was writing letters and every once in a while smiled slightly at certain times, obviously overhearing my conversation with The Princess. Eventually he struck up a conversation. Soon there were four of us conversing. The young man (Brian), myself, Jesus and God.
My first reaction was that of defensiveness.never actually preached but explained certain aspects of his actions in relationship with the teachings of the Bible. I first thought that this was because he was cognitive of the pentacle I was wearing, completely observable and unhidden. But as the conversation carried on I realized that wasn't the case. He truly wishes to live according to the tenants of his faith. So much so that he refuses to live with his father whom he claims is a drunk. Thus he is homeless.
He knows his bible stories I will give him that. Every topic discussed he brought up scripture, not in a "YOU MUST DO THIS BECAUSE...." way but "I do this because God says.....". He is disbelieving and astonished by some of the behavior and choices some people and organizations of faith commit to. He had quite a few gripes about this and that, including a few antidotes.
Instead of being defensive, which was my natural instinct, and walling him and his words out, I sat and just let him talk. I didn't argue with him. I didn't object to what he was saying verbally. I just let him talk. In the end I said that I hope that he found what he was looking for on his path and that he be blessed. Part of me really meant it. Part of me wanted to feel sorry for him.
Tonight, as I was crossing the parking lot I heard my name called out. He recognized me from a distance and seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I guess I'm not very forgettable. He came over and said he had been thinking of me, wanted to apologize for talking bad about the people and organizations and that miraculously one of them had actually contacted him and made amends. I sent The Princess off on an errand and let him once again talk.
I thought about making my own beliefs and faith known, but didn't have the energy to go through what I knew what would come if I did. He talked about this and that, indicated that he was temporarily staying with someone nearby, and that things were coming together. He did return to the conversation about not being able to be in an environment or around people who truly followed God's ways. Ironically he started in on the Mormons. Now, in the apartment complex there are a couple of missionaries. As he started dissecting the Mormon's faith, four of the Mormons came out. Two automatically left and two came across and joined our conversation. The Princess was getting restless so I took the opportunity to remove myself.
But I am too much of a caregiver. I did go back out and give him a meal. Just some salad, tuna, an apple and an orange. He seemed genuinely surprised and pleased. I couldn't NOT feed him.
It was a challenge though to just let him be and not argue with him. To let him have his faith and walk his path so .....verbally?.... was more difficult than I thought. Normally I just remove myself from the situation not wanting to be a part of it. I have also tried to use logic and let them hang themselves. But in this case I think he genuinely wants to be a good Christian and trying to walk the Good Path. Do I think he is misguided and a little ignorant? Yes. Do I have the right to judge and condemn him? No. At least he wasn't being pushy nor evangelistic. He never once asked me, "What church do you go to?" "Have you found Jesus?" etc. It was a challenge. It made me go outside my norm. It was a learning experience. I hope I did well.
My first reaction was that of defensiveness.never actually preached but explained certain aspects of his actions in relationship with the teachings of the Bible. I first thought that this was because he was cognitive of the pentacle I was wearing, completely observable and unhidden. But as the conversation carried on I realized that wasn't the case. He truly wishes to live according to the tenants of his faith. So much so that he refuses to live with his father whom he claims is a drunk. Thus he is homeless.
He knows his bible stories I will give him that. Every topic discussed he brought up scripture, not in a "YOU MUST DO THIS BECAUSE...." way but "I do this because God says.....". He is disbelieving and astonished by some of the behavior and choices some people and organizations of faith commit to. He had quite a few gripes about this and that, including a few antidotes.
Instead of being defensive, which was my natural instinct, and walling him and his words out, I sat and just let him talk. I didn't argue with him. I didn't object to what he was saying verbally. I just let him talk. In the end I said that I hope that he found what he was looking for on his path and that he be blessed. Part of me really meant it. Part of me wanted to feel sorry for him.
Tonight, as I was crossing the parking lot I heard my name called out. He recognized me from a distance and seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I guess I'm not very forgettable. He came over and said he had been thinking of me, wanted to apologize for talking bad about the people and organizations and that miraculously one of them had actually contacted him and made amends. I sent The Princess off on an errand and let him once again talk.
I thought about making my own beliefs and faith known, but didn't have the energy to go through what I knew what would come if I did. He talked about this and that, indicated that he was temporarily staying with someone nearby, and that things were coming together. He did return to the conversation about not being able to be in an environment or around people who truly followed God's ways. Ironically he started in on the Mormons. Now, in the apartment complex there are a couple of missionaries. As he started dissecting the Mormon's faith, four of the Mormons came out. Two automatically left and two came across and joined our conversation. The Princess was getting restless so I took the opportunity to remove myself.
But I am too much of a caregiver. I did go back out and give him a meal. Just some salad, tuna, an apple and an orange. He seemed genuinely surprised and pleased. I couldn't NOT feed him.
It was a challenge though to just let him be and not argue with him. To let him have his faith and walk his path so .....verbally?.... was more difficult than I thought. Normally I just remove myself from the situation not wanting to be a part of it. I have also tried to use logic and let them hang themselves. But in this case I think he genuinely wants to be a good Christian and trying to walk the Good Path. Do I think he is misguided and a little ignorant? Yes. Do I have the right to judge and condemn him? No. At least he wasn't being pushy nor evangelistic. He never once asked me, "What church do you go to?" "Have you found Jesus?" etc. It was a challenge. It made me go outside my norm. It was a learning experience. I hope I did well.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The floodwates breaking: a looong vent
I knew this was going to happen. I HATE being vulnerable. Loath it. It makes me feel weak and girly and horrible. I hate crying. I hate letting it go in front of people. But no...I can't just learn to hold space for others to heal, I have to be thrown into the process and now my brain can't stop. Thanks guys…*grumble*
Damn it all to hell. Here it is...two separate rants on one post. A great big long ramble. LOL….a one on one with paper and no timer?
I am so tired of hypocrites. You say you want something with all your heart and it is put before you but the wrapping may not be exactly what you were envisioning, it is a different color or a different size, so you say you don't want it. You demand things to be one way as well its complete contradictory.
You want the Lady and the Whore. That is fine. We CAN be both. But you can't turn around and condemn her for being the whore!!!! And if she brings her conservative behavior into the bedroom she is frigid and a prude? You can't condemn us for being either of them. You want the damsel in distress when it convenient for you to save her and independent and self sufficient when it isn't. No wonder women are so fed up!!! Pushed and pulled and twisted. Don't get surprised when we tell you we are fed up and go our own way.
You get upset when someone cheats on your daughter while you yourself have spent five years cheating on your own wife!!!
You expect a woman to respond to your flirting but get upset when a man hits on your wife?
You want something substantial and able to withstand the trials and tribulations of life and yet you choose partners who are not emotionally nor spiritually ready or able to live that life yet. You continuously choose partners based on your perception of what your partner should look like, on external parameters. Do you really think that is going to bring you happiness in fifty years when everything is falling apart and all that keeps you together is the internal connection??
Things are NOT just handed to you just because you led a certain life. You can not condemn someone for not following the path you think is right while you yourself stray off that very same path!!
Integrity!!! Authenticity!! Substance !! Where is it??
------------
I was the first born. I believe my father was disappointed I wasn't a girl. I think he resented the fact that I was born so soon after their wedding forcing him to do what was necessary to create a life that provided for us instead of what he wanted to do. I have never felt good enough for him. I played soccer and softball and martial arts for him. I went hunting with him. I learned to fight and be tough and climb trees and all those tomboy things. The only thing I ever did that was "girly" was ballet. I love to dance, even to this day. I hear the music and my body moves of its own accord. But he never wanted to go to my performances. He gave me the obligatory flowers and praise but it never reached his voice nor his eyes.
So I tried to be the "boy" until my brother was born. I adore my brother. I feel sorry for my brother. He has had the worst of it in my opinion. But it did take some of the pressure off me. And attention. But I was already in the cycle. Doing what I felt I needed to make him proud of me. I even graduated the top 10% of my graduating class of 1500+ with honors. It wasn’t until 2005 that I remember him ever saying he was proud of me.
In the meantime I missed connecting with all those girly things that most attach themselves to. Pretty clothes, shoes, dolls, etc. I may have done them with my sister or other friends, but I didn't connect with the actions like they did. They were just....activities.
I joined the military partially to get away from my life and partially to make him proud of me. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I became an MP. He didn't talk to me until I was almost completely through with training. So here I was, in a male dominated career, trying to be one of the boys. I denied to myself that I had a feminine side. It doesn't mean that I didn't develop a fully female sexuality. I did. I was just....wired like a guy. Most sex I had was unemotional; a physical satisfaction, or rather an attempt at it. Guys really don't like it when the girl says go home before they get a chance to try and sneak out on their own. If it is the guys idea not to stay around, that it was just sex and what not it is ok, but if it is the girls idea that is a completely other story. I believe part of the reason I was wired like that was because of the rapes.
The first was an unknown guy who came up behind me in a kitchen at party while I was in training. The second was in a foxhole by my 'partner'. I believe both incidences were the same guy. The third was by several of my flight mates at a party. Three of them passed me around while I was severely intoxicated. I was 19.
Yes I know I'm saying this emotionless and very factual. It happened. No I didn't report it. The few people I mentioned it to either didn't believe me or thought I had put myself in those compromising positions and should have known better. My family does not know.
These events are contributory to my trust issues. How am I suppose to trust people who have my back (especially men) when they just take what they want from me anyway? How am I expected to retain a feminine side when every time I try I get traumatized? No surprise I keep those I respect and care for most at arms distance. I don’t want you to hurt me, nor do I want to end up hurting you.
All those events were before I was married. I believe that one reason I agreed to marry him was because he treated me decently and I cared for him. I didn’t think I could do any better. I didn’t love him at that time. It wasn’t until further into the marriage that I loved him, a little too late. But I was never IN love. No one from my past ever made my stomach flip flop nor left me withthe feeling that I couldn’t live without them.
So I never grew up understanding fully…or rather connecting fully to what being a woman meant. If I didn’t have a daughter I probably wouldn’t confront this issue. But she wants to be girly. She adores pink and frilly and pretty. I don’t want her to grow up without some sense of independence and core strength but I don’t know how to wrap that in pink flowers and velvet softness. So I have to relearn. I have to accept that I can be feminine without losing Me. I just have no idea how.
A friend recently told me that they thought I took being independent to a whole new level. I hate accepting help. I hate admitting I need help. How can I rely on people when most of the time I just get hurt? Or I hurt them by letting them down. She believed that is one reason I am not with anyone. I’m too independent.
I keep hearing that from people I’ve tried to date. Too independent. Too intimidating. They don’t want to go out with a girl whose balls are bigger than theirs. Can I be any other way?
I hate letting that wall down and letting my fallacies surface. I hate being flawed. I hate not being whole. I can’t offer a broken Me to someone I love and ask them to love me back. How can they love that? How can they love all the horrible things I’ve done in my life? How can they accept what I can not? These are my fears that I ride a rollercoaster with. Sometimes I believe that I can overcome them. Sometimes I feel that it is pointless to fight with them. It it wasn’t for my Faith and trust in Grace I probably wouldn’t even try.
Damn it all to hell. Here it is...two separate rants on one post. A great big long ramble. LOL….a one on one with paper and no timer?
I am so tired of hypocrites. You say you want something with all your heart and it is put before you but the wrapping may not be exactly what you were envisioning, it is a different color or a different size, so you say you don't want it. You demand things to be one way as well its complete contradictory.
You want the Lady and the Whore. That is fine. We CAN be both. But you can't turn around and condemn her for being the whore!!!! And if she brings her conservative behavior into the bedroom she is frigid and a prude? You can't condemn us for being either of them. You want the damsel in distress when it convenient for you to save her and independent and self sufficient when it isn't. No wonder women are so fed up!!! Pushed and pulled and twisted. Don't get surprised when we tell you we are fed up and go our own way.
You get upset when someone cheats on your daughter while you yourself have spent five years cheating on your own wife!!!
You expect a woman to respond to your flirting but get upset when a man hits on your wife?
You want something substantial and able to withstand the trials and tribulations of life and yet you choose partners who are not emotionally nor spiritually ready or able to live that life yet. You continuously choose partners based on your perception of what your partner should look like, on external parameters. Do you really think that is going to bring you happiness in fifty years when everything is falling apart and all that keeps you together is the internal connection??
Things are NOT just handed to you just because you led a certain life. You can not condemn someone for not following the path you think is right while you yourself stray off that very same path!!
Integrity!!! Authenticity!! Substance !! Where is it??
------------
I was the first born. I believe my father was disappointed I wasn't a girl. I think he resented the fact that I was born so soon after their wedding forcing him to do what was necessary to create a life that provided for us instead of what he wanted to do. I have never felt good enough for him. I played soccer and softball and martial arts for him. I went hunting with him. I learned to fight and be tough and climb trees and all those tomboy things. The only thing I ever did that was "girly" was ballet. I love to dance, even to this day. I hear the music and my body moves of its own accord. But he never wanted to go to my performances. He gave me the obligatory flowers and praise but it never reached his voice nor his eyes.
So I tried to be the "boy" until my brother was born. I adore my brother. I feel sorry for my brother. He has had the worst of it in my opinion. But it did take some of the pressure off me. And attention. But I was already in the cycle. Doing what I felt I needed to make him proud of me. I even graduated the top 10% of my graduating class of 1500+ with honors. It wasn’t until 2005 that I remember him ever saying he was proud of me.
In the meantime I missed connecting with all those girly things that most attach themselves to. Pretty clothes, shoes, dolls, etc. I may have done them with my sister or other friends, but I didn't connect with the actions like they did. They were just....activities.
I joined the military partially to get away from my life and partially to make him proud of me. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I became an MP. He didn't talk to me until I was almost completely through with training. So here I was, in a male dominated career, trying to be one of the boys. I denied to myself that I had a feminine side. It doesn't mean that I didn't develop a fully female sexuality. I did. I was just....wired like a guy. Most sex I had was unemotional; a physical satisfaction, or rather an attempt at it. Guys really don't like it when the girl says go home before they get a chance to try and sneak out on their own. If it is the guys idea not to stay around, that it was just sex and what not it is ok, but if it is the girls idea that is a completely other story. I believe part of the reason I was wired like that was because of the rapes.
The first was an unknown guy who came up behind me in a kitchen at party while I was in training. The second was in a foxhole by my 'partner'. I believe both incidences were the same guy. The third was by several of my flight mates at a party. Three of them passed me around while I was severely intoxicated. I was 19.
Yes I know I'm saying this emotionless and very factual. It happened. No I didn't report it. The few people I mentioned it to either didn't believe me or thought I had put myself in those compromising positions and should have known better. My family does not know.
These events are contributory to my trust issues. How am I suppose to trust people who have my back (especially men) when they just take what they want from me anyway? How am I expected to retain a feminine side when every time I try I get traumatized? No surprise I keep those I respect and care for most at arms distance. I don’t want you to hurt me, nor do I want to end up hurting you.
All those events were before I was married. I believe that one reason I agreed to marry him was because he treated me decently and I cared for him. I didn’t think I could do any better. I didn’t love him at that time. It wasn’t until further into the marriage that I loved him, a little too late. But I was never IN love. No one from my past ever made my stomach flip flop nor left me withthe feeling that I couldn’t live without them.
So I never grew up understanding fully…or rather connecting fully to what being a woman meant. If I didn’t have a daughter I probably wouldn’t confront this issue. But she wants to be girly. She adores pink and frilly and pretty. I don’t want her to grow up without some sense of independence and core strength but I don’t know how to wrap that in pink flowers and velvet softness. So I have to relearn. I have to accept that I can be feminine without losing Me. I just have no idea how.
A friend recently told me that they thought I took being independent to a whole new level. I hate accepting help. I hate admitting I need help. How can I rely on people when most of the time I just get hurt? Or I hurt them by letting them down. She believed that is one reason I am not with anyone. I’m too independent.
I keep hearing that from people I’ve tried to date. Too independent. Too intimidating. They don’t want to go out with a girl whose balls are bigger than theirs. Can I be any other way?
I hate letting that wall down and letting my fallacies surface. I hate being flawed. I hate not being whole. I can’t offer a broken Me to someone I love and ask them to love me back. How can they love that? How can they love all the horrible things I’ve done in my life? How can they accept what I can not? These are my fears that I ride a rollercoaster with. Sometimes I believe that I can overcome them. Sometimes I feel that it is pointless to fight with them. It it wasn’t for my Faith and trust in Grace I probably wouldn’t even try.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My beloved Jack
Six years ago today I had to help my beloved Jack cross over. While Gaia is a great familiar she belongs more to The Princess than myself. When she gets old enough to start her own life and workings, I know Gaia will be sitting on her alter, having gained the experiences from mine.
But Jack was my Companion. A huge Rottweiler/Labrador lap dog, he had the greatest heart in any creature I have come across. He told me when I was pregnant by his gentle moves and laying his head on my stomach. He was protective of me, even coming between my ex and I when he knew I was upset. He protected me from would-be car-jackers when I was 6 months pregnant one night in Selma Mississippi. He sat in my circles, laid on my books and papers, reminded me when I needed to take care of myself, sat in the bathroom with me while I suffered from morning sickness because my 'husband' wouldn't and so much more.
Even six years later I miss my beloved Jack.
But Jack was my Companion. A huge Rottweiler/Labrador lap dog, he had the greatest heart in any creature I have come across. He told me when I was pregnant by his gentle moves and laying his head on my stomach. He was protective of me, even coming between my ex and I when he knew I was upset. He protected me from would-be car-jackers when I was 6 months pregnant one night in Selma Mississippi. He sat in my circles, laid on my books and papers, reminded me when I needed to take care of myself, sat in the bathroom with me while I suffered from morning sickness because my 'husband' wouldn't and so much more.
Even six years later I miss my beloved Jack.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thrown in the deep end...aka Processing
I'm practically speechless. I've had to take some time away from everyone to process. The methodology that V4V uses really works. And can work for any group.
So what just happened? That is the big question that I'm having trouble answering. I think the biggest part was that I had my own denial stand up and bitchslap me. Denial about I went through, what my own perceptions and behaviors are, and how I react and interact with others. I may have been deluding myself. I may have been fooling myself into thinking that I was doing this to help my brothers and sisters, my family because I can't just abandon them. Is it possible that I'm doing this to heal myself?? That is a very feasible possibility.
Some of the things that have come up:
I have to reclaim myself as a woman and not be "one of the boys". I can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional person and that it is ok to exhibit that in front of others. I hate crying in front of other people. It embarrasses me and I feel weak and vulnerable. I. Hate. Feeling. Vulnerable. But I have to let that happen as it is part of the process here.
Though I have never been overseas I have had my own experience related the war. They are valid and authentic and worth something. I have been belittling myself for it.
Survivors Guilt and feeling like I abandoned my troops.
I am trying to find a way of changing how I perceive the work I'm trying to accomplish as being insignificant when compared to the incredible work the people who are also here at the leadership retreat. OMG...homeless vets, student vets, disable vets.
Thinking that I may not be able to belong to this group nor connect with them because I wasn't sent overseas.
And that was just this morning.
I'm going to be very raw by the time I come home.
So what just happened? That is the big question that I'm having trouble answering. I think the biggest part was that I had my own denial stand up and bitchslap me. Denial about I went through, what my own perceptions and behaviors are, and how I react and interact with others. I may have been deluding myself. I may have been fooling myself into thinking that I was doing this to help my brothers and sisters, my family because I can't just abandon them. Is it possible that I'm doing this to heal myself?? That is a very feasible possibility.
Some of the things that have come up:
I have to reclaim myself as a woman and not be "one of the boys". I can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional person and that it is ok to exhibit that in front of others. I hate crying in front of other people. It embarrasses me and I feel weak and vulnerable. I. Hate. Feeling. Vulnerable. But I have to let that happen as it is part of the process here.
Though I have never been overseas I have had my own experience related the war. They are valid and authentic and worth something. I have been belittling myself for it.
Survivors Guilt and feeling like I abandoned my troops.
I am trying to find a way of changing how I perceive the work I'm trying to accomplish as being insignificant when compared to the incredible work the people who are also here at the leadership retreat. OMG...homeless vets, student vets, disable vets.
Thinking that I may not be able to belong to this group nor connect with them because I wasn't sent overseas.
And that was just this morning.
I'm going to be very raw by the time I come home.
Not what was intended, but so much better
I am in the beautiful desert of Arizona. The ranch is amazing. The people are even more amazing. I'm am in awe and humbled by everything around me.
My intention in coming here was to learn how to facilitate these peer groups and how to get a group up and running in Dayton.
Don't you love it when there is another plan for you that you don't realize until you are waist deep in and can't get out.
I didn't realize I had my own stuff to process. So now I am throwing myself into the process.
I have this saying I have lectured many others with. You can't fill anyone else's tea cup if your pot is empty. I didn't realize how low my pot had become. I guess I'm here to fill it.
This is really hard for me to do, talk about what I went through in the military. At least the bad stuff. The shadow stuff.
One of my new friends here (and I'm sure soon they'll be frimily) told me last night, "How can you help others if you're not willing to help yourself"
Thank you for the 2x4.
Breakfast bell. Pictures to come.
My intention in coming here was to learn how to facilitate these peer groups and how to get a group up and running in Dayton.
Don't you love it when there is another plan for you that you don't realize until you are waist deep in and can't get out.
I didn't realize I had my own stuff to process. So now I am throwing myself into the process.
I have this saying I have lectured many others with. You can't fill anyone else's tea cup if your pot is empty. I didn't realize how low my pot had become. I guess I'm here to fill it.
This is really hard for me to do, talk about what I went through in the military. At least the bad stuff. The shadow stuff.
One of my new friends here (and I'm sure soon they'll be frimily) told me last night, "How can you help others if you're not willing to help yourself"
Thank you for the 2x4.
Breakfast bell. Pictures to come.
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