Dark Siren Song

I am having a rough go of it. To constantly be in physical pain is wearing not just on the body but on the soul. I have been in that dark place for the past several days. The one where I was before I had The Princess. Where I almost.....

I don't like being here. I don't feel I have a reason to be here. I have amazing work to do now that I love. I enjoy my job. The Princess is in good health. I have all the reasons in the world to be content and happy and for the most part I am. Except....


Except there is this shadow that is following me everywhere that I battle with constantly. If I let vigilance slip that little voice that seems so innocent, that is so deadly sweet whispers in my ear like a Siren promising ease of pain and freedom from worry.

On the outside I seem so confident, determined and cheerful. And usually I am. But it isn't so solid. Inside there are cracks. But I can't fall apart. I don't know if I have the strength to pick the pieces up anymore.

Heartbroken

It seems that no matter what is done it is never sufficient nor good enough to keep up with what needs to be done.

I just found out that one of my colleagues from when I was active duty took his own life after his wife told him that his daughter wasn't his and that she was divorcing him.

I feel so guilty and useless and like I'm in over my head among a lot of other emotions I can't even keep track of because they are moving so fast.

And tomorrow is The Princess's birthday.
Damn it all
Gotta Cowboy up and get on with it!!

For the past few hours I have been feeling rather feral. I have this urge to fight and bare my teeth and growl and draw blood. I want to hunt and attack and gods bless me I'm shaking with need. I am craving meat so badly I almost didn't wait until it was cooked. It was quite rare and tasty.

What the hell is wrong with me

Balance Needed

I made connections today with the local chapter of Blue Star Mothers completely by accident while shopping. I talked to them about Vets4Vets and my other ideas and they seemed excited by the idea. I hope that my brochure will be approved to set out on their table.

It was a little hard talking to them. I found myself tearing up when they asked about my enlistment and the soldiers I am currently supporting. It took me by surprise getting choked up and I'm not sure why.

I need to regain my body-mind-spirit connection

The best way to succeed in your own life is to help others succeed in theirs.

Realization

I was talking with one of the coordinators for Vets4Vets about why I wanted to be a part of this, what my background was, etc. and during that conversation something came out that I was not prepared for, nor expecting, nor even realized about myself. One of my motivations for the work I do to help soldiers and their families is guilt. I feel guilty for never having deployed with my troops and take care of them. Guilty for having gotten out to be a mom. Guilty I didn't do more while active and haven't done more. I never thought that drive I carried around in the back of my gut was guilt.

One of my troops deployed while I was pregnant. Barely 22, newly enlisted. Young and eager to do his part. He was my first troop, right from basic and green as spring. Jumped on the first deployment he could so that he could go somewhere. He never came home. I couldn't go to the funeral. A high risk pregnancy I wasn't even really allowed out of bed all that much. Really didn't matter anyway, I lost the baby 3 weeks later. I should have gone.

I guess you never forget your first.

Guilt isn't something I've really dealt with before. I don't regret many things, if any. None come to mind at the moment, but then again I am distracted. But there is no guilt when you don't regret. I may have fleeting moments when I take that last cookie or drink the last of the juice but nothing serious. I've never done anything in my life I've had to regret. Everything I've done has made me the person I am today and I kind of like her. So this is a new emotion for me. A very unexpected one.

Spring Cleaning

I cleaned everything out and am starting over.